BabyTumorFace

BabyTumorFace is the resident advice columnist for the Eye. Born into the rough life of not really having been born, but rather emerging from the solar plexus of his mother and never actually separating, BabyTumorFace has a unique and slightly embittered view on life. He has a penchant for smoking from tobacco pipes, drinking heavily, swearing like a sailor, and taking naps in the middle of angry rants. But underneath a rough demeanor and smooth infant-skin, BabyTumorFace has a heart of gold, wrapped in ground beef, wrapped in babyshit, wrapped in bitterness. You just gotta keep digging. It’s there somewhere.

So if you’re ever truly stumped on a question, whether it be big or small, please ask: What Would BabyTumorFace Do?* Tweet your quandaries to @calartseye or email them to calarts.eye@gmail.com.

*Disclaimer: We do not necessarily support the advice of BabyTumorFace. Following the advice of a not-fully-formed infant who’s swilling whiskey anytime he’s not pooping or napping is done at your own discretion and risk.

BabyTumorFace

Hi BabyTumorFace,

I believe that Valentine’s Day is nothing but a Hallmark holiday, built up so that people will spend more money. But I think my girlfriend secretly wants something romantic. I love my girlfriend, but I hate Valentine’s Day. Do I stand my ground or give in to the farce?

Thanks,
Capitalism Sucks

editor BabyTumorFace, Vol. 2 No. 3 0

BabyTumorFace

Hey BabyTumorFace,

My friend and I have a bet. He says you have a body enveloped in your mom’s abdomen. I say you are just a head and brain living off your mother’s organs. Who’s right?

From,
Looking for that Dollar

editor BabyTumorFace, Vol. 1 No. 3 0 ,

BabyTumorFace

BabyTumorFace Little Dude,

I just realized that my thesis proposal is the stupidest thing I’ve ever come up with, but I’ve already started. I have these awful paintings of my mom’s vagina with aliens coming out. What do I do?

— Majorly Fucked

editor BabyTumorFace, Vol. 1 No. 2 0 ,